How Dave Grohl Helped Me Navigate Grief

BY ISRA GOMEZ

I have always wanted to be part of a band, playing in front of a crowd of 50 thousand people and making them lose their minds over us. In my head, I was always the frontman, playing with a sick-ass electric guitar and having killer vocals that would fill a whole stadium. My earliest memory of wanting to be in a band was when I first watched Richard Linklater’s cult classic School of Rock.

But being in a band means you have to be good at playing an instrument, and I wasn’t on the guitar. I could never really get the hang of playing it. Not to mention that I’m a lousy songwriter. Writing lyrics is hard, but ending it is even harder.

But it doesn’t mean that the dream is dead. I just think it may take a few more years to achieve it. On the bright side, I can play the drums. I still don’t know what made me want to play the drums. All I know is that one day at the tender age of 14, I decided that I wanted to be a drummer.

For the next seven years, I practiced alone in my room while quietly hoping someone would notice me and say, “I want you in my band!” Unexpectedly, my wish came true at the end of 2022 when I was asked to join a group of musicians who were planning to form a band. It felt weird when Alena Nadia, Faye Faire’s guitarist, told me that she had seen my drum cover videos from four years ago. I was skeptical about it, but without hesitation, I said yes, and what I initially thought was a prank turned out to be the real thing.

In the days after that, I got to meet Azim Zain, Alena’s friend, who was going to be playing the bass for our band. Along with Alena, we also had I-Shan Esther, who was the co-founder of Faye Faire, acting as our vocalist and guitarist. I-Shan was my childhood friend too.

From then on, we were on a mission to make sure people knew who we were. Playing as many shows as we could while also planning to record our demos in secret. I won’t lie and say it was easy for me all the way, but it was scary and exciting at the same time. This was my first band, and I played with musicians who, to this day, I think are better than me. Because of this fear, I made sure to memorize every song before I went for the band’s weekly practice sessions. To me, it felt like more than a band, and I didn’t want it to end.

However, we don’t live in a fairytale, and fate has other plans. Things changed when we found out about I-Shan’s unexpected passing. It still hurts to think about it. I played the day I got the news over and over again in my head like a broken record player. Still praying this is just a nightmare and things are going to go back to normal. 

It never did go back to normal.

Since then, the grief worsened to more nightmares, panic attacks, and depression. To me, it looked like everyone else who was affected by it was slowly feeling slightly better, being more passionate and more determined to keep the band alive. Especially when it came to the making of Faye Faire’s latest single “Siren” and the band’s upcoming debut album. 

However, that cloud still hung over me. The pain kept growing, and all I could do was numb it for a certain amount of time just to make sure people wouldn’t worry about me. It got to the point where I started questioning my presence in the band and whether I should just leave and put music behind me. Making sure that nothing was holding the band back. After all, with every drummer leaving a band, there are 10 more ready to take their place. I was replaceable.

But still, I stayed. Because like the other members of Faye Faire, I wanted to see it through all the way. However, the feeling of putting music behind me kept growing. 

Then, I bought a copy of Dave Grohl’s autobiography titled “The Storyteller: Tales of Life and Music”.

When my dad first introduced me to the Foo Fighters when I was four years old, I wanted nothing to do with them, because who’d want to listen to old men with beards playing loud music anyway? But in retrospect, I was clearly wrong. When I listened to Foo Fighters’ greatest hits album, everything changed for me. From a kid who doesn’t get their music, I blossomed into being a massive fan. I even went as far as having a Foo Fighters-themed birthday when I was 16. Even now, I can name almost every Foo Fighter song written to the back of my head. 

But from time to time, there would be songs that have an impact on me. When I was younger, I used to listen to songs like “Pretender,” “All My Life,” and “Rope” over and over again. But the song I love the most now is “Under You,” a song written by Grohl who was struggling to cope with the loss of his dear friend Taylor Hawkins.

Reading Dave Grohl’s book changed my perspective of him. He was no longer the music idol I had fangirled over the years. Rather, he turned into a friend I needed during the harsh points in life. I see him now more than just a drummer of one of the biggest bands in the world; I see him as someone who went through difficult pains, like I do. The endless anxiety that eclipses my thoughts on how I’m never good enough, the growing fear of leaving a band that you had grown close to, and forcing yourself to continue down the music path even after a traumatic event. A person who I felt was the only one who understood me.

I never talked to anyone about the fears troubling me. I felt that no one would understand me. The last thing I need when I’m grieving is a motivational pep talk, telling me that the wounds would heal. 

But how? 

I was alone and lost. All I wanted to do was to go to a public space and scream at the top of my lungs. Not because I wanted people to rush to my aid but to show them how hurt I was. To show them how paralyzed I was. To show them that I was not the quiet drummer who smiles but a person who’s been finding it harder every day to glue himself back together. A person who just wanted to break and put the pain behind him.

Because of this, I turned to the last person who I thought could help me understand this world. I’ve never met Dave Grohl, and he will probably never acknowledge my existence, but it doesn’t matter. He helped me to put myself together, and that’s all I asked for. He taught me that my pain was never going to go away, but rather than let it control me, I could use the pain to my advantage. Even though the pain hasn’t gone away, it’s been easier to deal with it. I have a Foo Fighters tattoo on my left arm, a firm reminder of how far I’ve gotten.

When Faye Faire had a gig at CERO PJ around the end of September, it was the day I felt alive again. I had been absent for a few months, but that day changed everything. I remember playing the drums as if it was my final show. Unleashing my emotions onto the drums. Playing them as loud and as powerful as I could while still keeping the gentle groove.

 I found my joy again.

---

Born in 2003, Isra Daniel Gomez is presently pursuing a degree in Governance and Public Policy at Universiti Tun Abdul Razak (UNIRAZAK). Additionally, he is recognised as the drummer in the folk-rock band Faye Faire.